So, three days after I wrote Outside of Reason, and two days after I shared it with him and he told me he cried, he dumped me for her. By text message. A few hours, and a really nice bottle of Viognier later, I dumped him, rather more publicly on Facebook. He unfriended me. I don’t think he was expecting the crazy bitch to come out. He has never seen her up close and it’s possible that she scared him. She scares me sometimes too.
Now looking at it from the distance of a couple of days, I understand why he left me and while I’m not over my pain, I forgive him. He’s been with her for most of his life. You don’t just walk away from that because an old flame turns up. I even forgive him for texting me to break up instead of facing me to do it. He was conditioned so thoroughly by his abusive father to always try to please, that he isn’t capable of standing in front of someone he cares about and saying something that will hurt them. He is completely selfless, to the point that he has difficulty even knowing what he wants.
I still love him. And I want him so much that my arms ache and I feel sick. But if he called me tonight and said, “I was wrong. It’s always been you,” I’d have to refuse him. He needs time and so do I. I don’t believe he has any idea how hard it was for me to tell him I love him, to tell him my deepest fears and most secret longings. My experience with being in love has been disappointing and confusing, starting with the first boy I ever dated, who raped me on our first date and culminating with my abusive ex-husband. I have learned to shut down my feelings to avoid being hurt. When he and I started, I was overwhelmed by how much I cared and how quickly. I still am. Maybe he was too. We need perspective, both of us.
In a way, my relationship with him has been just as abusive as anything I experienced in my marriage, although he had no intention to make it that way, or probably any idea that it was. He had all the power in the relationship. I couldn’t call or see him when I wanted, I couldn’t talk to him or talk to my friends about him. I isolated myself from everyone and lived to be with him, even if it was just to text at the end of the day. I am amazed that I was willing to give up my power for him. I swore that I never would again. But I did. I handed it over with no complaint and barely a pause. I need to work on that for the next time.
One good thing has come of this mess, for me anyway. I know now that I still can love and that I still want love. I will always be grateful to him for that. I don’t want to forget how much I love him. I just need a little distance so I don’t feel like I’ve been dragged over a cheese grater then left in the desert to burn.
Good bye, my darling. I hope you find some peace.
Finally Awake 